Give it Away

Evan Kirby

At every stage in your life, be a giver
Give to God
Give to others
Give of your time, money, self, heart
Not a scarcity mindset
Givers have more than hoarders. When I give what I do well, and you give what you do well, we are better together.
Take the first step in giving trusting that the giving will come back. But don't become bitter if it doesn't
Measure your life by how often you give to those that can never repay
Learn to receive

How much or how often do you give to those that can never repay you? Next Christmas keep track of all your gift giving. Total up the value of gifts given where someone gave you something back (A) and divide that by the value of gifts given where you received nothing in return (B). Then, on the following year make that ratio (A/B) smaller. Of course, there is nothing wrong with exchanging gifts with those we love, but there is beauty in providing gifts for those in need.

Givers end up with more than hoarders, and not just love but money too. We must not live with a scarcity mindset. From a Christian standpoint, God is all-powerful and able to supply what we need. When we believe that resources are scarce we hold tightly to what we have; often we end up seeking and holding things that are good or even poor, leaving no room for what is great. On the other hand, when we have an abundance mentality, we hold loosely to all we have knowing that we can always replace it with something equal or better.

Obedience or Dissidence?

I love Jesus. Most of the time I like Jesus. I am learning to love the church again. I am allowing myself to ask questions I never asked before. I don't ask because I want to degrade Jesus, but because I think He is strong enough for my questions. These are thoughts as I continue my faith journey from deconstruction to reconstruction and beyond…

The Bible has a lot to say to dissidents. And should we be surprised with the examples of Martin Luther King with society and Jesus with the Pharisees? The Bible is clear that obedience to God is always a good idea but there are notable times where it sanctions disobedience to misguided human authority.

Acts 4:18-20

18Then they called them in again and commanded them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. 19But Peter and John replied, “Which is right in God’s eyes: to listen to you, or to him? You be the judges! 20As for us, we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.”

The Sanhedrin had the power in Israel. But Peter and John had two things. Knowledge of truth and strength to go against the authority in their lives.

Let's look at a time where Jonathan disobeyed his father, Saul. Saul was the king of Israel. He had an, uh, checkered past. Samuel had recently been on his case about a number of things, because God was not happy. Saul thought he was the man, but he had blindspots. Saul was absolutely certain that truth was on his side but he was mistaken.

1Samuel 14:1-14

1 One day Jonathan son of Saul said to his young armor-bearer, “Come, let’s go over to the Philistine outpost on the other side.” But he did not tell his father. 2Saul was staying on the outskirts of Gibeah under a pomegranate tree in Migron. With him were about six hundred men, 3among whom was Ahijah, who was wearing an ephod. He was a son of Ichabod’s brother Ahitub son of Phinehas, the son of Eli, the Lord’s priest in Shiloh. No one was aware that Jonathan had left. 4On each side of the pass that Jonathan intended to cross to reach the Philistine outpost was a cliff; one was called Bozez and the other Seneh. 5One cliff stood to the north toward Mikmash, the other to the south toward Geba. 6Jonathan said to his young armor-bearer, “Come, let’s go over to the outpost of those uncircumcised men. Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few.”

7“Do all that you have in mind,” his armor-bearer said. “Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul.” 8Jonathan said, “Come on, then; we will cross over toward them and let them see us. 9If they say to us, ‘Wait there until we come to you,’ we will stay where we are and not go up to them. 10But if they say, ‘Come up to us,’ we will climb up, because that will be our sign that the Lord has given them into our hands.”11So both of them showed themselves to the Philistine outpost. “Look!” said the Philistines. “The Hebrews are crawling out of the holes they were hiding in.” 12The men of the outpost shouted to Jonathan and his armor-bearer, “Come up to us and we’ll teach you a lesson.” So Jonathan said to his armor-bearer, “Climb up after me; the Lord has given them into the hand of Israel.” 13Jonathan climbed up, using his hands and feet, with his armor-bearer right behind him. The Philistines fell before Jonathan, and his armor-bearer followed and killed behind him. 14In that first attack Jonathan and his armor-bearer killed some twenty men in an area of about half an acre.

We will make an assumption that since Jonathan did not want to tell his father that his father would not have approved, and hence disobedience.

When my three girls were little, I read a book about the "Christian way" to raise kids. One of the exercises involved a simple question and answer to embed obedience into the life of the wee tots. The parent would say, "When do we obey?" And the child would say back, hopefully with gusto, "Right away!" The exercise was repeated often in many different circumstances. I loved it at the time. I don't disagree with it now, but I do now realize it's incomplete.

Now, I realize that I want girls that generally respectful to authority (3 of our 5 family members are or were in the military!), yet are empowered enough to disagree with authority and even disobey it when called to.

A few years ago George Floyd was executed with a crowd watching. In that crowd were 3 other junior officers that we unable or unwilling to challenge their own authority. In the end they were complicit in the murder. That's not the thing I want for my girls.

I experienced this positive disobedience in the past.

I was a card carrying member of the evangelical purity culture in the early days of child rearing. Therefore, modest dress was critical. It was not just a good thing, it was a direct measure of our christian life. And there was no doubt in my mind that God had outlawed bikinis. All good Christian girls wore one piece bathing suits. God had obviously made christian girls responsible for managing the sinful thoughts of the boys around them. So imagine my utter shock when I saw a picture of my oldest in a bikini with a group of girls from her CHRISTIAN school. How could this be? Where oh where had I messed up? Were they all going to hell? Was I?

Even though I was shocked at the disobedience then, I am thankful for it now. It was actually the first step in me realizing an error in my thinking. Now I realize that it is never okay to use power to curtail the rights of another and make them responsible for the sin of another person. As I write that, it sounds crazy, but I was so committed to it at one time.

I can say this because I am more committed to truth than power. When I am committed to power primarily, there is no room for disagreement with me or other authorities, and so I train my kids to obey me unquestionably. When I hold truth as ultimate, I leave room for my kids and others to disagree with authority in order for each of us individually, and as a society to become better.

The truth is that those with more power may have authority, but they are not always correct. Hopefully, they are almost always correct. As a society, we need people, even our kids, to disobey to help those of us to see the times when we are wrong. I am so thankful that time, years ago, when my daughter had to guts to disobey, to help me find truth and reality. And in the future, I pray that my kids would generally obey authority right away! AND have the strength to disobey when they are called to do so.

So what are the personal commitments I am making as a result of what I have experienced? For my adult children, myself, and those in my community, do that which:

• Empowers us to confront authority when need,
• Empowers us to obey authority to accomplish great missions
• Helps us have the wisdom to discern the difference

Persuasion, Better than Manipulation

I love Jesus. Most of the time I like Jesus. I am learning to love the church again. I am allowing myself to ask questions I never asked before. I don't ask because I want to degrade Jesus, but because I think He is strong enough for my questions. These are thoughts as I continue my faith journey from deconstruction to reconstruction and beyond… 

I have come face to face with manipulation the last few years. Honestly I never thought about it much before, but it has become real through my season of strife, the evangelical church’s behavior,  and critically studying how I use power personally. One of the most frightening things I learned is that those that manipulate the most can be the most unaware of it.

Manipulation and persuasion are the two primary methods we use for getting people to do things we want. When we manipulate we use power to force people to do what we want them to do, often against their will. When we use persuasion we use our reasoning to get another to do what we want.

The power in manipulation can take many forms. Ones I am familiar with and observed are emotional, physical, and legal. Humans are intensely emotional creatures with deep emotional desires. This craving makes manipulation through emotion very effective, especially for people who are related. The one we are most familiar which is the silent treatment. In this case we rob the other person of something they  deeply desire, a relationship, in order to twist them into obedience. There are innumerable other ways to threaten with relationship loss. I personally remember one unhealthy time in my life with a girlfriend. One time I wanted to end a relationship but did not have the guts to do so or discuss the situation. I began to just treat her badly until she said she wanted to break up. Taking the easy route that avoided conflict, discussion, and honest reflection hurt her deeply even while I achieved my goal. This is a hallmark of manipulation. The manipulators goal is elevated over hurt or disadvantage of the manipulated. Manipulating using  physical means includes all sorts of threats or acts.  One common method involves yelling. The manipulator will yell continually in an attempt to wear the person down. Most people have some desire to avoid conflict, and giving in will stop the yelling. I experienced this, and you probably have as well in the past. I can’t recall a time I used physical means to try to manipulate, but I can not be comfortable because I am a hot sinful mess like most of you and the lure to manipulate is strong. Manipulating using legal means involves hiring a lawyer to try to scare people into compliance. In these situations the claims may have no merit, but sometimes people will capitulate out of caution, not wanting to waste time and money in a legal mess. But there is a better way, persuasion

Whereas manipulation is very hierarchical, persuasion is very egalitarian. In manipulation there is a required belief that the manipulator is wiser than the other. The greater wisdom puts one above the other person and gives them the right to tell the person what to do. In persuasion we rank the other person equal with us. We assume that, in the topic of discussion, they are as wise as we are. Therefore we feel obligated to interact in a mutually beneficial, mutually respectful manner.

What then does persuasion look like? Three important aspects are listening, slowing, and humility. When we listen, really listen actively, to the person we want to persuade we immediately show respect to them. Most people in a discussion don’t listen to the other person, they are just taking time to think up the next thing they will say. In active listening we use all our energies to listen. When we practice slowing we allow the conversation to progress slowly which helps to keep tempers down. In slowing we also pause after listening and think carefully about our response. In difficult discussions it can be very healthy to have many times of silence. Finally humility allows to be open to the idea that the other person may persuade us instead. This is possible when we seek the truth over power.

As I spent many years in the evangelical church I want to make an application to that culture. When a Christian believes they have received some truth from Jesus, they are in a very risky position with respect to manipulation. Our deep belief in that truth can make us tend toward manipulation rather than persuasion. What this looks like can be elevating  making laws way over doing things to change the way others think. Both are important, but the balance is way off. It can also look like electing immoral misogynistic people to political offices because of the power it may give to manipulate those that disagree. This may get some short term wins but it is a long term recipe for failure. The church must work to persuade the world employing listening, slowing, and humility.

While not every problem can be solved by persuasion, it should always be our primary strategy.  In the rare case where manipulation is warranted, we should make that decision carefully with wise counselors and careful discernment.

Our natural desire for power influences us to  favor manipulation over persuasion but we can employ our thinking brain to make the difficult choice  of persuasion over the baser manipulation.  Some of us gravitate more powerfully than others to manipulation. If that is you, it would be wise to do some introspection with or without a counselor to determine why.  Choosing persuasion benefits society, our relationships, and even our own mental health.

Did I persuade you against manipulation?

So what are the personal commitments I am making as a result of what I have experienced?

• Be very intentionally aware of when I am using persuasion and manipulation
• Utilize persuasion whenever possible
• Incorporate listening , slowing, and humility into my discussions.